He’s Older? So What?

Alright people… bear with me here. This post is concerning what is probably the most controversial yet some how not offensive topic I’ll probably write about: Age Gaps in Dating.

If not obvious by now… I have a thing for older guys.

The other day, this person I know, they were talking about how it’s weird that they were twenty-two-ish dating someone who was nineteen-ish. Mind you, they were talking to moi – the girl whose crushes span the ages of 16-80… So obviously, I had a different opinion on the matter. And whatever his reasons might have been are a non-issue, but it’s important because it got me thinking about how much judgement relationships today face for age-gaps. And I’m talking larger than three or four years.

This is not some persuassive piece explaining that older men are better to date nor is it something meant to excuse those few morons who decide to trade down for younger trophy wives every few years. I definitely do NOT under any circumstance condone child sexual abuse. And though my stances on statutory rape are somewhat different from plenty of others, this ain’t about that either.

I am not trying to change laws or turn the world on it’s head. I am simply wanting to alleviate some of the stigma around significant age gaps in consensual romantic relationships.

Ever since I was little, I’ve only had a few rules… Don’t drink, don’t smoke, don’t do drugs, but above all under no circumstances in hell be prejudiced. The only thing I truly hate is hate itself. I don’t do stereotypes, I don’t do judging books by their cover or their prequels. That means, I do not judge based on race, religion, sex, gender, sexual orientation, romantic orientation (yes, they are two different things – a topic which I promise I will blog about another day), ethnicity, occupation, mental health, physical appearance, and age.

By around high school, I realized that the extent of my lack of prejudice definitely had an influence over my love life. Because all these factors are simply not as important as this: character.

Here’s a hypothetical: I’m… twenty-three? (Not really, but let’s roll with it). I meet a guy at a bar one night (where I would never be caught dead going – I hate the thought of being surrounded by a bunch of drunk morons… but it sets the mood, so let’s roll with it) who’s also twenty-three. He loves kids, puppies, and cooking. He owns a motorcycle. And he’s a cop. (I have no clue if twenty-three-year-olds can be cops, but whatever). He’s also funny, sweet, highly intelligent. He looks good. Slight six-pack and good build – nothing that looks like his body’s been photoshopped. Pretty great résumé for dating in my opinion. (And let me say: this is based on my personal tastes so if you like a different kind of person, nothing against that). Later that night, I meet another guy with the exact same qualities. For the sake of making my point, I’ll give you this… they’re the same race, ethnicity, follow the same religion, both male. Literally everything is the same except one thing: their age. The second guy is older. Maybe… thirty-seven?

So, who do I choose?

Most people would automatically want me to be with the younger guy. It makes more sense. If they’re so similar, why bother stirring up trouble in society and bringing my orthodox ancestors from beyond the grave tears, right?

But this is me.

So I wait.

Spend time with the both the guys. All three of us share some fries, I drink a Pepsi while they both get whiskey (they even like the same drink!) We talk and it’s all nice and chill.

And then some jackass from across the bar starts to holler at me.

And Man A and Man B react. So here’s another difference. While Man A decides violence is the answer, beats up the guys, then decides to abuse his badge and prevent himself from getting in trouble, Man B decides the best option was to simply put a protective arm around me, flash his badge, but all he does is give them a warning glare.

Who do I choose?

Man B. The guy who doesn’t use violence. The guy who doesn’t abuse this badge or make an already bad situation worse. The guy who’s rational and thinks calmly. And yes, he’s older, but so what if he is?

He’s the better choice is in my opinion. And as long as he and I are comfortable with the age gap, why does anyone else have to care?

Now, raison numero une for disapproving of older people dating younger people… it’s creepy. At least, that’s what I’ve heard some say. The immediate response is: ‘That person is old enough to be their parent’ or, hell, sometimes even a grandparent.

Except, they’re not!

They’re not related. And you can’t force such a relationship on two people just because of an age gap. Think about it.. two young beautiful people are out together, you see one giving the other a kiss on the cheek, and immediately think ‘awe, what a cute couple?’ But you ask and it turns out they’re actually siblings. It doesn’t matter how much you try, that relationship doesn’t change (or at least, it really, really shouldn’t. Incest is not okay!)

So, now, you see two people, one seemingly quite older than the other and your brain immediately says ‘parent’ or ‘grandparent’ or ‘estranged uncle/aunt’ because that’s how society has hardwired you. But it turns out, they’re actually not related and actually are in a romantic or sexual relationship. It doesn’t matter how you try to think about it, that relationship is what it is for them.

Now, I’m not saying every older-person-younger-person relationship is okay either. For one, what about if minors are involved? As I said earlier, child sexual abuse is NOT okay. Anyone below sixteen should NOT be in any kind of sexual relationship. With anyone. Even people their own age. As for a romantic relationship, I want to say you shouldn’t be dating anyone unless you’re at least sixteen either, especially not some fifty-year-old.

There are those instances in which a certain person, not related to a child, will watch said child grow up. Maybe they’re a god parent or a teacher or some random neighbor. And when I say they’ve watched them grow up I’m talking since they’ve been using pacifiers or learning how to ride a bike. And this person has always been known as ‘Mr.’ or ‘Mrs.’ this or that. Or ‘Uncle’ or ‘Aunt’. Then one day, the kid turns eighteen and somehow this person thinks it’s okay to suddenly give their relationship a new meaning and start flirting with the new eighteen-year-old.

This? Not okay!

But what about if they haven’t had this sort of relationship. What about if, as I suggested earlier, they meet later in life when the younger person is already a grown adult themselves, old enough to call the older person by their first name? Old enough to flirt with? Old enough to buy a drink themselves or drive (definitely not in the same night – please don’t drink and drive people – not smart!)? This changes things. They no longer have that creepy he or she or whoever’s trying to date the girl or guy or whoever that’s been like their own kid for the last dozen years or so.

Circumstance, I believe, is so crucial to how we judge a relationship.

There’s a huge difference between me wanting to date (and let me emphasize, wanting to actually date is different from just crushing on) say my elementary school teacher (who’s younger than my parents), versus Jagapathi (who’s older than my dad), versus some guy I might meet who’s also older than my dad but I haven’t met until I am well past eighteen.

I know it takes a minute to wrap your head around it and I will probably be judged harshly for this, for trying to explain a judgement-free love life, but that’s okay.

As my good friend once said “haters gonna hate us ’cause they ain’t us”.

There are people that are fighting for same-sex relationships, for interracial relationships, for interrelgious relationships, and I feel that in the midst of all of that, an issue like couples being (unfairly) judged for an age gap goes unnoticed or deemed unworthy of shutting down. And maybe that’s why I’m writing this post. I don’t know… What you want to do with it, you do. But I had to say what I had to say.