Confused by the title?
Let me explain: Firstly, not a mathematical equation. Obviously.
It’s a representation for the way my brain works.
It’s come to my attention about several thousand times since I was— how old? —thirteen (!) that people tend to misunderstand what I write.
I’ve lost some friends over it before, upset a few family members, and confused a lot of people with my writing. And in the beginnings, I used to think that there was some fault in the words. In my skill. Was I not making the point I intended? Or was I only making sense to myself? I mean, let’s face it, most of my first-person writing is a lot of rambling.
It got so far that I contemplated for a whole second if I was even in the correct career… Which is why I suppose the boost in my view count has been a solace to me. Some proof that I’m managing to make a name for myself (even if it feels like it sometimes crosses over from famous to infamous).
It’s only recently that I realized it’s not what I’m writing (like I used to believe in the beginning) or even how I was writing. Rather, it seems it’s the when of it all.
It seems so straightforward that I’m slightly mad at myself, frustrated with myself for not realizing it sooner. But as they say, common sense is not so common. And I’m mature enough to admit that I have fallen victim to this dictum. But sometimes it takes hearing it out loud from an outside perspective to realize it, to comprehend it, and then to regret half of your career, and then recover from the regret, and decide that instead of (1) blaming myself and blowing down my self-esteem or (2) being frustrated with the world and all the people who have misunderstood me, I should stop, take a breath, and realize that neither of us mind-readers.
Just as much as I wouldn’t have known why the misunderstandings were occurring because I couldn’t figure out their thought process until someone finally decided to talk to me about it, all of you, each and every single person across the globe who reads or has read MML, wouldn’t have known that I literally didn’t mean what you thought I meant because I was literally not even discussing the events that were in your mind.
I need to give us all a little more credit. We’re only humans. And if you’re like me, you make assumptions and panic. So knowing I’m very capable of jumping to those same conclusions, how am I supposed to me mad at you or hate you? Any of you. Answer: I don’t. I never did.
But it is time for an explanation, some honest and open communication that will hopefully make my intentions, my motivations, and my process a little clearer.
To start, let’s go back to the beginning: A = B to Z.
I am an Associative Thinker. What this means is if I am going through a specific situation, then that situation will immediately remind me of a thousand other specific situations or people. Sometimes, there are very direct connections, identical factors. Sometimes, the connections are close. Sometimes, A reminds me of B. But at times, the connections are vague, nonsensical, and nearly nonexistent and go through several rounds of associations and I end up with general questions or problems or themes of the human existence. They’re far apart. Sometimes, A reminds me of Z.
I never write about A or B unless it is something positive or neutral and I never write about A or B if it’s meant to stay private. I will emphasize that a thousand times over. And it’s rather simple why: 1) I am not a vindictive human being and I don’t want to hurt people or ruin reputations or cause problems. 2) I am not a stupid human being. I don’t plan on going to jail for slander.
What’s more is I’m a firm believer of the policy that if my problems involve other people, no one needs to know. Even if I keep every single person anonymous in this blog, I don’t care. There are some lines I won’t cross. I’ll admit that I might not follow the same ethical/moral codes as every other individual out there. (By the way, be on the lookout for a post about ethics that’ll come out soon… just started a course at college on the Philosophies of Ethics and it’s fascinating… where was I? Oh, right!) But I do have a very, very strict ethical/moral code for myself that I do follow to the T. One that is never going to change. I’m not sure how productive these rules are. Maybe some people will agree with me. Maybe some will disagree. But I stick to them with a vengeance.
Now, if there is something that isn’t necessarily a happy-go-lucky situation going on in my life and it involves other people, while B is something I’ll never make public, Z might be.
Here is how I get to Z… I’m making up something completely random and fake:
- Let’s say a friend of mine and I are competing for the same scholarship. She wins. (This is A).
- In spite of me and the friend being on completely positive terms with one another and there being no ill will between us and both of us being completely supportive of one another, and me being happy for her, subconsciously, I might find myself making a connection between this event and the time I and a friend entered some competition together and she won but only because she cheated. (This is B).
- Now, while I’m not going to exploit that past friend, because of being reminded of that situation, I then begin to contemplate my general feelings toward the concept of cheating in general, about how I think it’s dishonest and unethical and it hurts the integrity of the entire system if you get away with it (This is Z).
- Now, I might write a post regarding those opinions.
And I realized that this is the thought process on the other side:
- My friend from event A doesn’t know about my subconscious associative thinking.
- All she know is immediately after she won the scholarship, I wrote about competition and cheating. She believes I’m talking about her.
- She then gets upset because she believes I believe that she cheated.
Except I don’t. I really don’t. I might be accused of thinking so on some level because otherwise why would A remind me of B? Here’s why: Winning is the common factor. Not cheating. But after thinking of a second situation in which someone has won something by cheating, the cheating aspect sticks in my brain and I forget all about A. In all truth, even if A is my trigger for my subconscious associative thinking process, my post has nothing to do with A and I very much don’t believe my friend from situation A cheated.
Now, stepping out of the hypothetical…
I gave it some hard thought and went over much of my old content and I found that none of my content that reflects negative opinions toward a specific topic (such as corporal punishment, the inability for students to pursue subjects they are passionate about, or meddling in relationships) has any information defaming anyone, accusing anyone, hating anyone, or targeting anyone. My take on the entire subject matter is philosophical and my opinions are formed by thinking of the larger society faces these issues, NOT my current self.
I mean, I’ve written about how corporal punishment should be illegal and that it’s not okay to hit a child even if the law says it is, but I was never victim to it. I’ve written about how it’s unfair that some students are about able to pursue the careers they love because of the pressure placed on them by society to choose a career ASAP, but I was never victim to that. And I wrote about the ability that meddling in relationships has to break said relationships when the participants are susceptible to outside pressure. I was victim to that a long time ago. When I was young. A few friendships. That post was triggered by remembering a middle school friendship that blew to smithereens because people from our larger friend group interfered with issues me and a friend were having.
But in terms of my romantic relationships? Never. My past relationships ended due to my and their own actions. And my current relationship? It’s still alive and well and absolutely no one (NOT a single one, NOT our families, NOT our friends, NOT any strangers on the street) has ever tried to meddle or cause any issues between us. Grateful for that. We have good people in our lives who are constantly looking out for our best interests.
No ill will against those people from middle school either though. They were kids. We all were. And while I don’t hold a grudge, I do have the memories. Which then triggered other memories of couples I once knew that broke up because of outside influences. Which then triggered the recollection of movies and books and other pieces of art which portray a similar narrative. And I have the lessons I learned and the strong convictions I have because of the experiences, my own and others’.
I do not let and will never let ANYONE come between me and the people I love – my parents, my brother, my boyfriend, my best friends, my teachers, or anyone that I’ve ever come to have any kind of relationship with.
What’s more is I’m fiercely protective of these people and by extension the people that look out for them while I can’t. (Did I mention I hate being so far from home sometimes? But gotta look on the bright side — gettin’ a good education with excellent profs).
As such, I would never hate and in fact greatly appreciate anyone who looks out for the best interests of these people whether it’s regarding their relationship with me or some other aspect of their lives. Because caring is NOT meddling even if the A of caring take a path in my subconscious to the Z of meddling. There is a huge difference.
And I take the responsibility for not clarifying that difference before. And for not writing the post in a more wholesome manner to encompass all sorts of relationships rather than focusing on romantic relationships (which is what I think also cased a lot of confusion). I suppose it was somewhat the what of it all and not just the when.
And I take the responsibility for not clarifying that I have no ill will towards people who try to push younger generations to get their lives together ASAP with good intentions but rather that I see an issue in the rather counterproductive and stressful affect it can have on the youth.
And I take responsibility for not clarifying that I don’t believe every single parent who ever got mad and yelled at their child is not a villain, not an abuser.
All this being said, from a psychological standpoint, I also realized that had I made those posts and others at later dates, many misunderstandings could have been avoided. It’s as simple as if the post was made long after the situation was far behind all of us, so far that there isn’t even the slightest chance for it to be mistaken that my ideas about current events in my life, there wouldn’t have been any confusions.
I’ve decided to adopt a new policy: For every post I write based on associative thinking, I going to do two things: (1) Go in and make sure all the language is precise and purposeful and portrays strong opinions while also not offending anyone (especially the wrong someone for the wrong reasons). (2) Wait at least a month after the A that triggered it over and done before posting it.
Now, while I promise to uphold these new policies, having realized the error in my ways, I also have to give myself a little credit and not shut down my self-esteem. I’m constantly doing the best I can, which is admittedly a lot better than people who legitimately go throwing around hate speech and defamation and slander. At least I have integrity and compassion and the good sense to realize when I’ve offended someone even if unintentionally and own up to it.
And for that, I have to give myself credit.
With that being said, to all those who have been affected, I am sorry for all the emotional trouble that my associative thinking posts have caused. I promise I’ll do better, be better as a writer and a person.
I know it may seem sometimes like MML is all fun and games and I just toss anything up there to get views but that’s not true. I take pride in my work, in my art. And it’s not okay if the art I create with an intent to help myself and the world via (sometimes) entertainment and (almost always) englightenment is causing harm even if unintentional. And if I can do something to help rectify that issue, I sure as hell will!
