I’m doing good. Really, really good. I’m happy.
WHAT I INITIALLY WROTE LAST WEEK:
He told me I should just focus on what makes me happy.
He was right. Of course he is. It’s rare that he’s not.
He told me I should focus on my writing, on my art. He wasn’t wrong but there’s something else that makes me especially happy. Something that makes me feel like life is going right. I thought he was gone, but he’s not. Not the same “he.”
Raj.
Raj makes me happy.
I almost lost it when I felt like he was disappearing. You can read about this in 21 Days, the poetry collection I recently got published via BookLeaf Publishing.
Having him back has given me a lot of clarity. I’ve realized that I’ve come to— that I’ve always been comparing everyone with him. Yes, I’ve been comparing every guy I’ve ever dated with an imaginary man in my brain. I’m not crazy. For all intents and purposes, Raj is my subconscious. A guiding force. He’s the one yelling at me to pay attention to the red flags. That’s why no one will ever be enough. But that’s fine. One of these days, I’ll find someone who at least comes 99.99% of the way close to being like him. Until then, I’m done. I ain’t settling. I deserve someone who’s everything I want. Passionate, compassionate, multitalented, balancing rationality and emotions, work and play, values work that is play, like to learn, likes to live, is spontaneous yet stable, sexy, intelligent, funny, wise, and (most of all) willing to be happy.
WHAT I DECIDED TO WRITE BY THE END OF THE WEEK:
Oh my fuck, the way life works sometimes… He’s about 50% there. Just have to see if the remaining 49.99% is there too.
Life truly does work in mysterious ways sometimes.
Don’t worry, I’m not jumping into anything crazy. No not-thought-out rash decisions. Or saying dumb things that one should not say out loud until at least one’s been on a first date. Or a third. Maybe even a tenth.
Taking things slow is something I’m opting for for once.
But I feel good.
I feel like I’m meant to make the most of this… whatever this is.
So, one day at a time.
Final note:
***Malayalam to English Translation of “Ni Enganeyundu?”: “How Are You?”
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