I wrote the following months ago. Back in January. I don’t know why I didn’t post it then, but since I haven’t I figured I might as well do an exploration on how much or how little my mindset has changed since then. So after reading what I wrote back then, read my reflections on it now.
How have twenty-four hours not yet gone by?
It feels like an eternity has passed.
It hasn’t.
It’s been a little more than twenty-one hours.
It doesn’t really matter what happened past understanding the whole thing was a stupid misunderstanding. And the other half was triggered by an external factor that had nothing to do with either of is…
It doesn’t really matter what happens next either. Because I don’t know. We never know. I let my brain wander to worst-case scenario and best-case scenario. But I don’t actually know. I like to be hopeful when it’s in my control. When it’s not, sometimes my brain prefers despair.
But I prefer hope.
Hope is something that I lack today.
That’s what matters. The right now of it all. What do I do right now? Where is my mind at? My heart at? I knew this would destroy me and it did and I’m mad because I told him it would. It’s always those you love the most that have the power to rip your heart out. He didn’t. I’m being dramatic. There’s a difference between logic and emotion. That’s the difference I suppose. Between me and many others. I don’t blame people.
It’s not him or me or anyone else.
It’s time. It’s circumstance. Just as usual.
We, the people of humanity, love to blame someone for everything.
But the truth is:
I heard this quote a couple of weeks ago and thought: Damn that’s intelligent. And I thought so because I already knew this. But not everyone does. That’s okay. Just because the majority of the world loves to point fingers doesn’t mean the rest of us should follow suit.
I feel… You know, once upon a time I would’ve said “I don’t know”. But the truth is, I’ve got plenty of clarity. People think my problem is I’m so emotional to the point of irrationality. It’s not. I have plenty of emotions. But I also have a lot of logic. The difference between me and the majority of the rest of the world is post-separating-my-emotions-and-rationalities, I give equal weight to each. Always equal weight to each. I know how emotions function. I know how they inhibit. And I know how they empower. I also know that emotion-less logic is dangerous. And I also recognize when something seems logical but in fact is being driven by irrational emotions in secret.
I know how I feel.
Betrayed.
Heartbroken.
Worthless.
Except I know I’m not.
Logic says: I’m still the same beautiful, intelligent, and compassionate woman I was twenty-four hours ago.
Emotion says: What does it matter if he doesn’t want you? What is all the effort for?
Except it’s effortless, isn’t it?
I don’t try to be amazing. I just am. And it isn’t for him or anyone else.
He’s a good guy. I still love him. But the second he decided we weren’t salvageable is when we truly did become unsalvageable.
I’m sure there’s some (un)lucky lady out there that’s meant to be with him. Or who knows? Maybe someday down the line, he’ll come to his senses that this whole stupid thing was just because of a misunderstanding and he’ll come back. But I’m done. Ending things before even trying to solve things? Fuck no. Most immature thing a person can do. And I deserve better than that.
I’m not worthless. I’m worth more than the world.
Here’s to always being stubborn, selfish, passionate, compassionate, wise, beautiful, and sexy as fuck, and the happiest person around. What more do I need?
P.S. Definitely done with relationships for the foreseeable future until I find someone who’s not going to play games with my heart and my life. No one is worth losing myself.
My current thoughts and reflections on what I wrote:
None of it’s changed. Each word rings true. I still feel the same about it all. But upon re-reading it after so much time has passed, I have three important things to say:
Thing 1
The one thing that caught me by surprise is that I wrote that I still love him. I forgot I wrote that. I don’t think I wanted to write that. But I did. And I suppose in some ways I will always love him, the way you love intangible memories. But the truth is, I loved the we that we used to be more than the we that we became. It’s a fact that people change and as people change, you fall in and out of love with each other and others. Which is okay. Because there’s more that goes into a relationship than just “love”. There’s caring, trust, respect, and depending on the people, a lot of other different desires and necessities.
But there’s a fine line between being in a relationship with someone you may not love or that may not love you just the same anymore and being in a relationship with someone that makes you not love yourself. That’s the issue. That’s when you know a relationship is toxic.
It took me all this time to figure it out but that’s what I’ve realized. The truth is even if he’s the one who called it quits, I’m the one who decided I deserved better. And for all intents and purposes, so does he. We don’t need any validation from anyone except ourselves but we all deserve to be around people who don’t make us feel unloveable. People who accept us with all our flaws, or— better yet —don’t believe we’re flawed and in fact acknowledge that we’re just different. People who allow us to be ourselves without feeling like they’re doing us a favor.
Thing 2
Yes, I probably sound pretentious.
Key phrases that prove this:
1. “I thought so because I already knew this. But not everyone does. That’s okay. Just because the majority of the world loves to point fingers doesn’t mean the rest of us should follow suit.”
2. “I don’t try to be amazing. I just am.”
3. “The difference between me and the majority of the rest of the world…”
4. “I’m worth more than the world.”
But guess what, babes — I’ve earned my bragging rights. I’ve had the experiences I needed to have and learned the lessons I needed to learn.
And for what it’s worth, I wasn’t saying nor will I ever say I’m the wisest person around or anything but I am one of the wiser people around and that’s a fact. Well, technically, wisdom is subjective, so it’s not a fact, but it is the truth that I and a lot of the people who know me believe that I am extremely wise. What I am not and never will be is humble. It’s not necessary to be humble. I don’t have to downplay my own accomplishments and self-esteem so everyone else can feel good about themselves. That’s also another thing I’m done with — absolutely done with. I do tell other people the good I recognize in them and about them. I tell people when I think they’ve done a good deed, acted intelligently, are wise beyond their years, are sexy, are beautiful inside and out, are kind and caring and trustworthy. I do. I tell them when I’m impressed with them and all they have to offer the world. I tell them how much I care about them and love them and respect them (even if I’m probably also one of the rudest people around when I need/want to be). Which is why I’m gonna say I’m not pretentious.
I’m confident as hell but I am not pretentious. I am not self-absorbed. I am not a narcissist. I am not arrogant. And anyone who thinks I am can go fuck themselves.
Just because others have insecurities doesn’t mean you need to pretend you do. Pretending there’s something wrong with you isn’t gonna fix anything for them. Instead, try telling them they have nothing to fix, that there’s nothing wrong with them or broken about them, that they’re amazing just the way they are. Yeah, go try that.
Thing 3
I definitely meant it when I said I’m done fucking around with a bunch of morons who think that this is all a game and that my heart is a plaything. Does that mean I’m no longer capable of falling in love really fast? Of course not, we are talking about me after all. And Me likes love. However, what I’ve come to realize after a long, long time is that love and relationships are two separate things — sometimes dependent upon each other, but nonetheless separate things.
I’m very much capable of being in love with a bazillion people without being with any of them. Not until I find someone who waves a million green flags and checks all my boxes and doesn’t intentionally try to hurt me. Someone who shares core values like being straightforward at all costs (even if it means being misunderstood as rude or being a jackass) or who appreciates the fact that I don’t downplay my life and all that I’ve accomplished and all that I am, who doesn’t expect me to, who’s secure enough in themselves that they don’t expect me to. I’d also like someone who trusts me enough to trust I’m not gonna post their biography on my blog like an idiot who doesn’t value privacy and security. *Cough cough* (you won’t understand that unless you know, and if you don’t know then you don’t need to know, and if you know then you know and I don’t care).
Oh, there is one more thing…
Someone has climbed to 60%. Don’t ask me how. It didn’t just happen. I know what happened but that’s for me and him to know.
But I don’t care if he gets to 99.99%, no big words (or I suppose they’re little words) until a long, long time passes and I trust that “We” is something worth the effort for both of us.
If you have no clue what I’m talking about, read “Ni Enganeyundu“.
