When Your Brain Likes to Run

This friend of mine once told me one of the things he loves about me is that if I learn something new on Day 2, even if it contradicts everything I learned on Day 1, if I believe in it, if it resonates with me, if it makes sense, I’ll abandon everything from Day 1.

It felt like he was saying ‘you’re a fickle woman’ but turning it into a compliment.

I wasn’t sure whether I was offended or not. But now I know. I’m not.

He’s right.

I am this way. Possibly always will be.

I’m an overthinker with time blindness resultant of a mild case of ADHD. It happens. And it’s amazing.

It’s an amazing feeling to know it’s never too late to follow your heart and go where you want to go instead of just letting things happen.

I realized something last night. And I don’t think I would have had I not heard the words from someone other than my own speed-of-light-running brain.

When I told Mr. 60% my situation, asked for another chance, he told me something interesting. He told me:

At first, not gonna lie, I was upset. I was ready to argue. I mean, whether or not he wants to go out with me, that’s his decision. But he can’t tell me about mine, can he?

But I stared at his words and like a montage, these last couple months swept past my vision and then the last couple days felt like slow motion flashbacks and I stopped at that window.

The window in the library.

And I tried to pinpoint exactly what it was that I was thinking, feeling. And it hit me: I wasn’t running back to my ex. No, but I decided at that moment to run away from him.

I wasn’t wrong about my commitment issues coming back. (Thanks a lot, Meri Ex-Jaan). I wasn’t wrong about an old habit of running from person to person because of it coming back either.

But I realized the running was in the opposite direction I thought it was in.

And I wouldn’t have realized it had I not heard those words of insight from Mr. 60%.

Or maybe I would have. At some point down the line, I would’ve seen something or heard something or felt something. Maybe.

I’m not fickle. Because of my speed-of-light thinking, it just seems like I am. But I’m not. But I do tend to… change my mind a lot? No. I don’t change my mind a lot. In fact, the opposite. What happens instead is, I tend to have a lot of realizations and epiphanies and enlightenments. I don’t change my mind. Nor do I change my heart. I only discover them.