Did I ever tell you about my List?
I believe it was in my junior year of high school that me and my best friend sat down and began compiling a “secret” list of all the lovers, crushes, realistic potential future partners, and those of simple fantasies.
Let’s face it – it’s not so secret. A handful of people, some of whom are on the list, have seen the list.
This list transcends future, present, and past. This list crosses fantasy and reality. This list is that classmate I had a crush on for almost two years. It’s also the sexy stranger in my head that gives me hope when I feel alone.
I’m pretty sure this list wraps around the world. Twice.
I have issues, but don’t we all?
Me and my best friend (another one) were watching To All The Boys: Always and Forever a few months ago. Mind you, I had just updated my list to include yet another new round of names. At one point in the movie the following exchange takes place: Lara Jean Covey says “I choose you Peter Kavinsky” and he says “I choose you too.” I gushed, hand over heart, and told my friend, “Awe, I wish someone would choose me.” She laughed at me, and with good intention, like a knock over the head, told me, “First, you need to choose. One person.”
And she was right. I did.
But of course, as with most good lessons, we don’t immediately listen, do we?
Because to say I’m in love with all of them may be ludicracy, but to say I love none is a lie. And it was too difficult for me to choose.
Took me about until last week, but I finally figured it out – the difference between love and in love. Between crushing, lust, and love. Between a friendship kind of love and a romantic partnership kind of love.
For the longest time, for reasons I cannot explain, there’s been a loneliness. And with it came the want for the list. For each and every single name. Obviously, outside my imagination, that’s not possible.
And I thought there was something wrong with my heart, because why is my list so damn long? Why does every soul remotely attractive make its way there? Am I that indecisive? Was it ’cause I was young? Hardly, I grew up too fast for my own good. Was it because I thought I was running out of time? Not likely, I don’t look at my lifeline like a ticking clock.
Why was a I struggling so hard to choose?
And it took a long time to finally make a sound choice. The other day, someone for the infinitieth time asked to try again. And at first, I jumped at the chance. But I felt exchausted. Not the passion I’m supposed to have. And I’ve felt this way more than once this summer with quite a few people. Sure, it’s fun. But not enough.
It’s not for a lack of affection or attraction, but I finally figured it out.
In a sea of voices, there’s always one that speaks the loudest. That is the voice we must choose. But if you swim towards it when you can’t hear any other, is it as sound a choice?
I figured out that there’s a difference between choosing someone because we’re choosing them versus because there are no other choices left.
My First Love, My Lady Love, My Best Love, and Raj. The only four choices I ever truly made. Irrespective of the fact that there might’ve been a million other people on that list, those are the names I decided to circle, not only when they were alone, but even when they were scrambled in with all the others.
So today, who’s the loudest voice?
I suppose my own.
For now.
And it wouldn’t be right for me to listen to any other despite how lonely it may be. It’s not enough for them to choose me. Though I am grateful, I would like to make my own choice, as well. Whatever- Whoever that choice may be.
And I suppose this goes for any choice really. Whether it be in life, love, or writing. The one that speaks to your heart the loudest is the one you must believe in. Or at least, I do.
