Wednesday morning, I woke up with Shawn Mendes’s “If I Can’t Have You” ringing in my head. It was so persistent in my mind that I ended up using it as my source text for a poem for my Intro to Poetry class later in the night. I’ll share the poem another time – I’m not sure if I’m allowed to publish it on the web before getting a grade on it.
But I can tell you this much. I drastically changed one line:
Also, obviously, I do not own the lyrics in the first image. Credits to go to Mendes and any other owners of the song.
The second image is a modification of Mendes’s lyrics written by me and I am copyrighting it! Like right now.
In my Intro to Article Writing class yesterday, we were discussing how we change negatives into positives. Essentially, I suppose that’s what I’m doing here. Both sets of lyrics essentially mean the same in terms of denotation. But they feel different in terms of connotation. The first is essentially saying that without this one person, the rest of the world doesn’t matter, the rest of their life doesn’t matter. This is obsession. (And let me make a point here to say, I’m not calling out Mendes. I’m simpy analyzing his lyrics. It’s a common saying amongst English and Arts professors, or at least the professors I’ve had – you critique the work of art, not the artist. And I abide by it always.)
The modified version speaks to the fact that the subject is important to the speaker. Life is more beautiful with them around. This is what I believe is love. Optimism in the face of rejection.
A hopefulness.
And I thought it was a love song. Maybe it is. But not the romantic kind.
You have a way of comforting me. You’re not scared of holding me. Letting me cry – letting me break down in your arms. Letting me hear your heart beat. You have a beautiful heartbeat.
And when you said you thought you had romantic feelings for me but weren’t sure, I thought the only reason you were so close with me was because you thought you had romantic feelings for me. Stupid? Very much.
Because, as it turns out, I was wrong.
And maybe I did get mixed signals. Maybe I thought if I gave a little more, you’d stay a little longer and I wouldn’t lose the part I wanted.
And it’s not our fault. It’s circumstance. It’s life.
It’s perhaps a little miscommunication and misanalysis of intention and emotion.
It happens.
And when I thought I pushed too far and I thought I was going to lose you, I lost it. I effed up.
Because what really mattered so much to me was the comfort and compassion and I thought I lost it. I thought I lost this important unique connection I wouldn’t have with anyone else.
And the worst part is, it wasn’t least bit romantic to begin with.
I felt comfort in being cradled like a baby because it reminded me of a time of life when I was still young. When I didn’t know. When I didn’t care.
And I took something that was innocent and pure and I fucked it up.
Again, I was apparently wrong. And I’m so glad I was.
I swear to god when I heard the shuffle of your feet as I held myself together, shaking within myself, I didn’t know what you would do.
But when I heard you give your speech and say that even if I did fuck up, if I can move past it, you’re right there. And I looked up and you had your arms held wide and I sprung up from my position on the bed and ran into your arms.
Talk about a movie scene.
Those moments when you feel like life is pulled out of a film script or novel – I felt it in that moment. The right amount of tears, the right dialogues, the right drama, and the right conclusion. Except it was real. Very real. And I’m so grateful it was. That you are not just a daydream not come true like I initially expected.
And yes, my heart did break a little. No, you didn’t break it. Circumstance did. Because I interpreted the narrative wrong. I thought the only reason to be so close was romance. It never occurred to me that there’s an in between place – somewhere you get comfortable, no labels, a profound connection, maybe friends, maybe something else. Because we’re not just friends. But maybe that’s the point. Just friends never exist. Friends do.
And I will forever be grateful that you are one of mine, my personal Chai Buddy.
