Honestly, this next part makes no sense to me.
I’ve known him for one fucking month and I should not feel this way. I’ve had five solid conversations with him.
He’s… amazing. Sexy. Fun. Funny. Talented. Straightforward to a fault that it makes him sound like a jackass some times and turns me on every time.
I’m screwed on a whole new level.
Sure, I’ve been into guys that haven’t felt the same way about me.
And I’ve been into guys that did feel the same way and just didn’t want to be in a relationship or date or whatever.
But this… this is… I’ve known him for a month. A month. And it’s not even like I’ve spent every day with him or something. Even that would make sense. But this?
But of course I feel this way. Stupid time blindness. I feel like I’ve known him for five fucking years. A year for every conversation.
Even still…
I get one text from him and there goes my heart like it’s trying to break the Guinness record for most number of beats in a minute.
You know what’s ridiculous? Literally, yesterday (or rather the day before that since it’s already tomorrow now), I was just lounging around on my bed and after passing some photo of him in my phone’s photo gallery that he sent me a while ago so I started daydreaming some not so innocent daydreams like I usually do and the five seconds later he texts me. Like what the hell?
Man’s not allowed to go psychic on me.
And yeah, this is the point of the night during which I start rambling like an idiot like this about god knows what. But what else am I supposed to do? I can’t sleep. I feel like I can and can’t breathe at the same time and my heart just won’t quit the running and jumping and somersaults and…
Holy frickin’ fuck. I’m supposed to hang out with him tomorrow.
I’m supposed to go hang out with him and not say all these stupid things that I’m thinking and definitely not act on them.
I have the urge to dramatically go “I hate my life” but we all know that’s a lie. Believe it or not, I’m actually smiling right now. I don’t know why. And that annoys me. But I can’t seem to not.
And that’s perfectly okay with me.
So what if he doesn’t want to be more than friends?
Benefits of being me: I can be in love, not be a relationship and be his friend in real life, and be his girlfriend in my daydreams all at the same time.
Is it healthy? I have no clue. Go ask my therapist.
As long as he’s satisfied and, more importantly, I’m satisfied, I don’t care.
Sometimes, it’s okay if things don’t make sense.
Before I left for the summer, one of my professors, a close confidant and somewhat a second therapist gave me some advice that makes so much sense right now. In fact, it’s pretty much the only thing that makes sense right now.
“Don’t think.”
I like that.
I think for a while, I’ll not think and just feel.
