How long has it been since I’ve done an actual midnight post?
I mean, sure, I’ve updated my blog in the middle of the night several times in the last couple of months. But as of late, they’re usually well-thought out philosophical somethings or something with a specific topic in mind or something and they just end up getting done by middle of the night.
But how long has it been since I’ve just opened up my laptop at 12 A.M. my time zone and just started writing until I was done and figure out what the point is as I go? How long has it been since I’ve really ranted? I mean… really ranted.
It’s definitely been a minute.
More than a minute.
A few hours.
But tonight feels like the right time to get back into it.
So what’s on my mind tonight?
So much…
So much.
Let’s start with this: I gave myself and Mr. Hopeful a lot of thought. I’ve always wanted to be in a relationship in which it felt like I was dating my best friend. Because, what’s better than that? I don’t like that feeling of being just the “girlfriend”, if that makes sense.
“If that makes sense”… Now that’s a phrase. A bad habit I picked up and it’ll be the end of my sanity, won’t it?
We’ll go back to that later though.
For now: Yeah, the person you’re dating should be one of your best friends. But that doesn’t mean you actually have to date your best friend.
Don’t get me wrong, I love him to pieces platonically and I think a small part of me will always love him romantically… But that small part, I’ve realized since the last time we talked, is running into my memory cortex.
None of what I said in “When Your Brain Likes to Run” is being disputed. I’m not trying to go backwards or undo what I decided or any of that. This is me moving forward. And sometimes moving forward means realizing you feel differently about the prospect of being with someone. That when you close your eyes and think of them, you still feel happy but when you think of being with them you feel… off.
It happens.
I told him as much.
And life is all right again. Not in a this-is-the-right-thing-to-do kind of way because there is no “right” or “wrong” decision in these situations. But in a this-feels-right kind of way.
More than anything though: knowing the two of us, if we were together, one of us, or more likely both of us, would eventually fuck it up. Some couples just aren’t meant to be couples.
It happens.
And I think I’d prefer not to go through that. Because sure, the hope is that it won’t be an end of the world thing and we’ll still be friends at the end of it, but you never know and… there’s a lot of things in this world I’m willing to risk, but friendships are where I draw the line. Friendships are not meant to be collateral damage. They deserve a lot more respect than that. Best friendships above all else.
So, onto to the next chapter of my life. Actually, no. Onto the next book of my life.
Here I come, summer, sunshine, and other things that start with “s”, if that makes sense.
Shush to all you dirty minds out there. I’m talking about “sea”. Duh.
