It used to be that every time I started a new relationship or, hell, even when I just started being into someone, I’d feel like there was a ticking clock in the background.
Like there was a timeline to it. A deadline to it.
To getting to know someone. To getting to love someone. And occasionally- Okay, more than occassionally, most usually, getting to realize the person I was into was a total jackass or otherwise unavailable. Or both.
For the first time though, when he says we have time to figure it out, I believe him.
I don’t feel all the anxiety I used to for every unanswered text or call or cancelled date. I’m not upset by postponed plans. We’re takin’ our time. And I like it.
I like knowing that there really isn’t a deadline on getting to know someone, on falling.
Maybe that’s why I’m going so slow.
Yeah, okay, that completely contradicts what I said a while back about how I’ve never started falling for someone so quickly. But does it really? It doesn’t.
I did find myself starting to fall so quickly. And I’m still falling. Still…
And until a couple of days ago— Sunday, to be exact —I was waiting. Waiting to fall.
Waiting and wondering why it hadn’t happen yet. Because after falling in love a thousand times over, the final fall has become the endgame of this deranged ritual.
But two days ago, I was sitting on my swings, and just thnking, and it hit me that I don’t feel so… anxious anymore. I’m not worried about getting any part of this overwith. I’m not just sitting in wait waiting to fall so I can get over the fact that no one’s going to catch me.
I feel light and happpy and I’m looking forward to every single moment of this journey for once. I’m going to savor this.
Oh, I am definitely going to savor this journey with him.
To mark this momentous feeling, today’s song is:
Let’s focus more on the “unpredictable… love… phenomenal” part and less on the toxic/masochistic fighting part.
