Don’t Kiss & Tell; Talk Before You Kiss

Don’t ever assume another person’s romantic intentions.

Ever.

Yes, I can go on a rampage about how I feel like he’s taken advantage of me but for all I know, in his messed up mind, he hasn’t. Maybe what happened from his perspective is completely different from mine. Honestly, it probably really is.

So this isn’t about me cursing him out (though I already did, plenty, on the phone with the world’s most amazing guy and will do plenty more in the morning). It’s about me telling you to learn from my mistakes.

No, I don’t regret falling for him (nor do I regret avoiding the final fall).

I don’t regret non-dating him or whatever it was we did.

I don’t regret getting to know him, the parts that I love, and the parts that I really don’t.

And in spite of how this non-love story ended, I can revel in the good moments while acknowledging the quite fucked up ones too.

He once told me falling in love or dating or trying to get to know someone wasn’t a risk. He told me that you learn from those experiences and grow.

But it is a risk.

You risk getting hurt. Emotionally, psychologically. Sometimes, depending on which moron you get together with, physically.

I should’ve known it was a red flag that he thought love isn’t a risk. Why didn’t I see that earlier?

It’s amazing how events can change perspectives.

Well, here’s how it is… he had told me about two months ago that he wasn’t looking for anything. And I knew I was falling. And I told him as much. And then he was asking me to spend the night with him. And thank fucking god we didn’t go as far as I was willing to. Because now, he tells me he hasn’t changed his mind about not wanting to be in a relationship or anything. And then he tells me he doesn’t want to lead me on.

Do you see something wrong with the order of events?

It’s one thing if he didn’t know I had romantic feelings for him. Then I’d completely get it. But he did know. I made it extremely obvious. I also made it evident that I wanted to be more than friends.

If he was just interested in my body, all he had to do was say so. I know that sounds fucked up, but I would’ve preferred a “Hey, I know you’re super into me but I’m still not looking for anything. But you wanna hook up?” over the reality I just lived through. In fact, I probably would’ve said “Sure, why not?” But I would’ve said so with all the facts in hand.

And yet, it’s good that I went through this reality.

It had to happen. Because if it didn’t, maybe I’d still be falling for him instead of realizing that if I did fall, he wouldn’t be there to catch me.

And while I think what he did was totally out of line, in hind sight, if I had stopped him from laying his hands on me and asked him what he was feeling and thinking first instead of assuming that his advances meant growing romantic affection, all this could’ve been avoided.

I also realized this:

Being straightforward, a quality which, at first, I really admired in him, is to tell someone exactly what’s on your mind.

Being honest, a quality which I’m appreciating so much more about myself today, is to tell someone what’s on your mind without needing to be prompted, asked, nudged, or backed into a corner.

You can very much be straightforward and fully lack integrity.

I’ll leave you with this: In spite of it all, in spite of how annoyed I am with him, somehow I’m not dissappointed that this non-love story crashed and burned.

Not sure what exactly that means. But I guess I’ll figure that out another time.

As a last note, if you’re listening, Bae:

(P.S. the “Bae” is sarcastic. He ain’t my boyfriend.)