Inescapable

I think it came out well. Definitely doesn’t top the charcoal portrait I made my junior year of high school. But it came out well.

You know if there’s one man who tops my First and Best Loves and every other person I’ve ever loved, he is it…

I could spend an eternity in my mind, loving him, making love to him, living out a different life every so often with him.

It’s a beautiful thing to have a subconscious that manifests as a man.

A really, really sexy, beautiful thing…

I had a minor crisis beginning this summer. I can pinpoint the trigger. Nothing massive. Yet another guy saying “no” that’s all. But close to the middle of the night, I spiraled. One pessimistic moment of why won’t anyone love me as much as I love them? And then, the one man that makes me feel loved… is a figment of my imagination. But the creative mind is something interesting. You create a character and you become attached. To you, they are real. They’re not real… but they’re real!

Being very blunt here – would’ve been easier if I was hallucinating or something and I literally thought he was real. But knowing that he is not on the tangible realm of reality and he is only in my mind… it has its goods and its bads.

Good because he really is the one man who cannot say “no”.

Bad because is it okay for me to be in love with imagination?

It’s one thing to have a fangirl crush on Jagapathi. But let’s face it, I’ve crossed the fandom phase and I am genuinely into him. If I had the chance, I would date him, I would marry him, I would spend the rest if my life with him.

It’s another thing to take his basic self and translate it into Raj. Into someone who makes me feel safe and warm and crazy and lets me life out my wildest dreams. Now he and I never go out of style. He is the one constant in my love life. Always there to fall back on.

Always there to tell the imaginary version of whoever it is that most recently broke my heart that they’re a jackass and missing out and have lost their minds. And then thank them because it means he gets to keep me all to himself.

But I lost it.

Because how can you love someone that does not exist?!

How?

I spiraled.

I froze.

I blocked him out for a while…

Or at least I tried to.

But being greeted by a charcoal portrait of him every single morning when I wake up doesn’t really help. He ended up being the subject of my first poem for my poetry class this semester.

I call it
Mine:

In all truth, in spite of how strongly I feel for anyone else, he is and always will be my most epic love. The one I cannot escape. The one I don’t need to. And that’s okay. Actually, it’s quite amazing. I like him being inescapable.